…and how to bring it up with your partner.

Sex toys can be one of the most fun, playful, and useful tools in your sex and relationship life. They can also be some of the most intimidating things to get started with, and bring up lots of difficult emotions! There is a familiar narrative that introducing sex toys into your partnership - your marriage, your casual fling, or your 2-month old relationship - symbolizes that one (or both of you) are “bad” at sex. This is not true, and only fosters more insecurity in one’s own sexuality. Much of this falsehood is derived from the patriarchal idea that a penis should be a perfect, absolute pleasure-creator with little to no help. Many penis-owners might feel that introducing sex toys are a negative reflection on their sexual performance because of the cultural conversation and societal pressure around performance. On the contrary, sex toys are an incredible tool to aid in creating a satisfying sex life for everyone involved.

Toys can be used to make play with your partner last longer, increase everyone’s pleasure, and shift the focus away from penetrative sex. Before using toys in your partnership, begin by having a conversation with your partner about what you are looking for by introducing toys. Do you you have a trusty vibrator that you love to masturbate with, but have been nervous to introduce to partner play? Have you been wishing for more anal pleasure but want to start small? Are you fantasizing about using a strap-on with your partner? Whatever it may be, it is so important to communicate these desires to your partner. Remember that communicating these desires is not a guarantee that your partner will fulfill them, but it is a start to creating an honest dialogue about what you are looking for sexually.

I know that communicating our desires and wants around sex can be incredibly vulnerable, especially our desires in utilizing sex toys. I encourage you to begin by appreciating your partner for all the ways they fulfill you sexually and the ways in which you enjoy them relationally. Honor that your partner might have big feelings about the idea of introducing sex toys, especially if they are not familiar with playing with anything outside of another human body - and that’s okay. Remind your partner that introducing sex toys (or adding in new toys) is not a reflection of any kind of “deficiency” in the bedroom - it is instead only going to enhance and deepen each of your pleasure. Centering your mutual desire for sexual pleasure and fulfillment for each of you will be key to navigating this conversation.

If you want professional support in navigating these (and other!) conversations, I encourage you to seek out couples counseling. If you are based in California and want to work with me, let’s schedule a free consultation to see if we are the right fit!

Maybe you’re just starting to introduce toys to your sex life, and maybe you have an entire drawer-full already. Either way, you don’t want to miss out on utilizing these 7 sex toys.

The Womanizer

This is a clit-stimulation toy that works by using pulses of air to create a sucking motion. It has 10 settings and can be used alone, with a partner, or with other toys. It is also completely waterproof! If you are a fan of clit-stim, this is a great toy to pursue your pleasure.

The Hitachi Magic Wand

A cult-favorite, this non-insertable vibrator can be used for all kinds of play - not just for clit-stim! Try using this toy all over your and your partner’s body to experience different sensations.

The vibration on this toy can be very intense, so if you have never played with the Magic Wand I encourage you to check this out in-store to feel the vibration prior to purchasing.

Celestial Sky Silicone Dildo

This dildo is great because it is compatible with harnesses, is a flexible silicone, and a fun color! If you are looking for a lifelike penis-shaped dildo, this might be a great one to try.

Snug Plug from BVibe

Snug plugs are silicone, waterproof anal toys that come in a variety of colors and sizes! These anal toys are special because they have weighted balls inside them that help change the feeling of anal play. If you are new to anal play, I suggest starting with the smallest size, pictured here!

Egg by Tenga

This toy is a discreet masturbation aid that provides a variety of sensations for penis-owners.

Lush 3 by LoveSense

Have a long-distance honey? Or just like to use your phone to control your toys? Then I suggest the Lush 3! This insertable silicone and waterproof toy is bluetooth-operated, making it a great choice for long-distance and hands-free play.

Billy2 by Lelo

This prostate massager is a waterproof, insertable silicone toy that can be a fantastic toy to use partnered or solo.

If you’re playing with sex toys, chances are you’ll need some lube. Check out Sliquid H20, a toy-safe and unscented lube!