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3 Ways To Check In About Sex

Most people aren't talking about the sex they're having. Or if they are, it's not with the person (or people) they're having sex with!


You might be wondering why you would check in with your partner(s) about sex, especially if you've been having sex with them for 3 months or 3 years. Think about it like this - you probably have a go-to recipe for dinner that you make for your partner, family, or best friend. Even though it's the same recipe, you might tweak some things here or there. Then, you check in with the person you're sharing the meal with about what they liked about it, or what they didn't like about it - right? Otherwise, you wouldn't know what was working or not working, and how to improve in the future.


Checking in about sex is the same idea! Even though you might be playing with the same person (or people) consistently, over many months or many years, there are still things that change with each sexual encounter - big or small. How will we know what our partner is enjoying, or what they would like to see more of, without asking them about it? This is why it is so important to check in about sex.


Having a conversation about sex with your partner(s) can be vulnerable, and that's okay. Have this conversation outside of the bedroom, with your clothes back on and in a neutral space. This allows you to feel calmer while you have a conversation that might make you feel a bit uncomfortable.


To begin, let your partner know that you'd like to have a conversation that feels important to you, and make sure they have the time and space to engage with you. If they're distracted, working, or hungry, the conversation will be a lot harder! This might mean planning the conversation for a later time.


Here are three questions to get the conversation started:

  1. What do you like about the sex we have? (or the last time we had sex)

  2. What do you not love about the sex we have?

  3. What could be improved about our sex life?

Remember that this is a discussion, so everyone involved should be able to have your voices heard. Another important note is that answering what could be improved is not demanding for something to change - it is simply an expression of desire and not an ask for a shift. Introducing (or continuing) open conversations about sex is a necessary component for a satisfying intimate life; these questions can help get those conversations off the ground.

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